Snow & Ice
by StarrFirre
Summary: Written for a prompt, Kensei/Hisagi oneshot-type-thing. Almost a year after the war, Kensei and Hisagi have a deep conversation while avoiding Urahara's Christmas part.


Written for the prompt 'Snow and Ice' over on the kensei_shuuhei community at LJ. Enjoy :)

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Hisagi pulled the black coat closer around himself and exhaled experimentally – his breath showed up white and clear and rose into the night air. He suspected it was below freezing already, and it was only seven. He crossed his arms, hugging the warmth towards himself as he walked. He didn't care much for the fashion humans were into, and although Renji assured him the coat was 'the thing' in the Real World these days, it didn't do a lot in this kind of weather. Maybe he would warm up as he walked.

"Can ya at least look happy to be comin'?" Renji elbowed him as they both trudged on, their boots kicking up snow as they dragged their feet along at a leisurely pace. A few cars lightened the pavement as they made their way along slowly, with caution. Hisagi grunted in reply. How he ever let Renji talk him into coming to this thing was beyond him.... "Who knows, god forbid you might have fun..."

One eyebrow rose elegantly. "What do you mean, 'god forbid'?"

"It's just a thing they say here. I'm bein' sarcastic. It means-"

"I know what it means." Hisagi sighed, his breath billowing before him again. "You spend way too much time here, Renji."

"And you spend way too much time workin'." Renji threw back while reaching into his jeans pocket and producing a pair of gloves. "I thought maybe you'd loosen up after the war, but you're still so serious all the time." He pushed his fingers into the gloves, and Hisagi let a silence fill the gap between them as the continued walking.

Renji was right, in a way. The war was just over a year over now, and everyone seemed to have shaken most of the worst of it away in that space of time. Sure, their losses were still there, but they carried them as a lighter weight, now – not as overbearing any more, but just enough that their passed comrades were still with them in a way. Hisagi couldn't wipe some of the images from his mind as easily – the blood, the dying.... His Taichou as the monster he ended up becoming... He shook his head at that thought. Tousen wasn't his Taichou any more. He hadn't been for a long time. Sometimes, Hisagi wasn't sure he ever was, and that still hurt. The worst was that nobody seemed to understand, and the only two people who had any hope of emphasising with him... He shuddered as he remembered Hinamori's passing, and Kira seemed determined to never speak of the whole incident ever again. Kira wanted to forget.

"Let's not be so glum," Renji's voice suddenly cut through his thoughts, and he looked up to see they were nearing their destination. "It's Christmas time, we're heading to a party, we're both healthy... This party itself is a miracle, doncha think?"

Hisagi nodded into the cotton collar of his coat, his scarf rubbing against his chin as he did so. "Yeah, I guess..."

"We got Shinigami, the Vaizard, and even Ichigo and the others all in the one place." Hisagi felt a pang of nervousness at the mention of the Vaizard. He'd almost forgotten... "And in the Real World, too. Did you see Komamura-Taichou's first gigai?"

Hisagi let out a small, breathy laugh. "Doesn't it look the same way he does? Isn't that the point in a gigai?"

Renji gave a toothy grin. "His new one does, but that Urahara made him a big dog first."

At this, Hisagi actually did laugh. "Serious?! And he's still attending that man's party?"

"Course. He made Urahara pay for it, apparently. Don't ask how, cause I dunno. He looked sinister when he told Iba-san about it, though..."

Hisagi laughed again, quieter this time. They turned the corner and emerged at the front of the Urahara Store. He'd closed the place down for the weekend to prepare for the party. Apparently he was really excited about it. Inviting everyone over for a Christmas party after 100 years of exile... Hisagi decided he'd drown himself rather than try and pull off such a social event. It had already started without them, and decorations and lights seemed to litter the front of the store in a random pattern. Noise from the party-goers travelled into the small street, and Hisagi distinctly heard Hirako Shinji's voice giving out about something.

They're there already, he thought, and suddenly the snow and ice around him felt colder. He had been anticipating but also dreading this moment for a while now. He hadn't spoken to Mugurama-Taichou since the war, really. They'd run in to each other a few times since, mostly in the few recovery months afterwards, but it was all fleeting moments.

Hisagi remembered clearly the last time they had spoken. After Tousen's death, the rest of the battles passed in some sort of haze. He fought, he remembered that, but the distress and confusion clouded it all. He had been desperate towards the end. Desperate for someone to tell him that what he had done was the right thing. You cut down your Taichou, but don't worry, it was the right thing to do. He needed someone to tell him that.

When the end came, though, he found himself sitting in the rubble of some random building in Karakura town. He knew whose body lay on the other side of the mountain of debris, but he couldn't look at it. It was too grotesque.

He had felt a presence behind him, and had turned his face, stained with blood, dirt and sweat, and had locked gazes with Mugurama-Taichou staring down at him. The older man's eyes had given him the once over, stopping lightly on his wounds, before looking away, to the right. Hisagi knew what he was looking for, but didn't dare speak.

There was a noise as Mugurama-Taichou sheathed his zanpakutou, before he cleared the silence with one sentence.

"Hisagi, huh... It makes sense that it was you to do it. Good job."

Hisagi hadn't dared turn around. He shut his eyes right and grit his teeth, loathe to show his idol his weakness at those words. By the time he did turn, the man was gone.

And now, maybe, they would exchange words again. Would it be awkward? Or would it be like talking to anyone else? Would they speak at all?

"We'd better get in there, looks like they've started without us, the pricks." Renji grumbled, once again pulling Hisagi from his thoughts. He nodded vaguely in reply, not really knowing what he was agreeing to, and followed Renji towards the door.

The waft of warm air that hit them as the slid the door open was beautiful after the cold weather. They were greeted almost immediately.

"Hisagi-san! Freeloader-san!"

"Oi! That was uncalled for!" Renji glared at the blond ex-Taichou grinning at the pair of them, but Hisagi could tell he wasn't really angry.

"Let me take your coats!"

Hisagi roughly pulled open the buttons to his duffel coat, glancing at Urahara's attire. The man was dressed oddly for him, but in an outfit that complemented him very well. Simple black trousers, white shirt open at the neck, loose black tie and shiny leather shoes. Suddenly conscious of his own grey faded jeans and deep green sweater, Hisagi was glad at least one person other than he and Renji was dressed half-way casually.

"Started without us, huh?"

"Yes, once a few people arrived, we couldn't stop them..." Urahara reply in that vague monotone of his as he hung the coats on a set of hooks attached to the wall. "Come right through and join us!"

The next two hours were spend greeting people already there and then those arriving, having finger food forced upon him by Yoruichi who informed him that she had cooked this herself, and that herself, and that he just had to try this next one. He respectfully decline karaoke, but wasn't surprised to see Renji already very drunk and giving it a go while Rukia and Ichigo cheered him on. He had a few minor conversations on mundane things such as TV shows he'd never heard of with Inoue, was complemented on his clothes by Ishida, and nodded politely at Sado. After a while, however, the heat he had welcomed before suddenly become unbearable.

Standing outside in the freezing weather again, he took a breather and a moment to admire the stars. You couldn't see such things as clearly from Soul Society, although the snow there was better. The snow here felt somehow groggy through his gigai, as though it had given up in its attempt to impress him with its beauty and simply steered away from him. He shivered slightly, but even the cold wasn't as sharp in the Real World.

"Feeling the cold?"

He jumped and spun around, eyes wide and mouth open in the sudden shock at being interrupted. He froze, then, however, when he saw who had spoken.

Mugurama-Taichou made his way toward him casually and stood next to him, staring up into the sky like he had been moments ago. With a start, Hisagi realised he still had his mouth open and closed it abruptly, trying to get a hang on himself.

"It was too warm inside, I just came out for a break from everyone..." He muttered in reply.

"Oh, want me to leave you be?"

"No! That's not what I meant at all..." He trailed off as a heard himself – he sounded so stupid.

"It is kinda busy in there. I never was one for the season, though."

"Me either..." Hisagi remembered his gloominess earlier in the evening and how it undoubtedly got to Renji. "Why did you come to the party?"

"How come you came?"

Hisagi saw that he was trying to avoid answering, and played along for now. "Abarai Renji somehow convinced me."

"And how'd that work out for you?" Mugurama-Taichou was still looking up into the sky; he hadn't once looked right at Hisagi since they started the conversation.

"Awkwardly," He answered truthfully. From keeping everyone inside happy to this stiff conversation they were having.

"I get ya."

They sat in silence for a few moments, a silence Hisagi couldn't have called awkward, but couldn't have called companionable either. He didn't mind it, but he was tempted to fill it with useless ranting all the same.

"It's like they forget..." Mugurama-Taichou spoke quietly, then turned and actually looked at Hisagi, a frown across his forehead. "Sorry, didn't mean to speak out loud."

"Forget what?" Hisagi pressed, intrigued by the other man.

When he looked away from Hisagi this time, he looked down; his eyes flickered to the wooden deck, to his shoes, to a small beetle on the ground a few centimetres before them. He stepped forward lightly, effectively crushing the beetle. Just as the fukutaichou wondered about this action, he spoke again.

"Forget... Everything. The war, the betrayal... Aizen and... The others." He looked up again, forwards into the eerie, empty streets. "For 100 years I've wanted my revenge. And now... Now he's dead, I don't feel any better for it. I didn't kill him, and we're still not welcome back at Soul Society." He took a pause before the next sentence. "I still can't go home."

Hisagi didn't move; he merely watched the man. Suddenly, he felt bad for feeling sorry for himself. At least he still had Soul Society – at least he was still where he belonged. The hollow feeling after Tousen's death expanded in his chest.

"If I had known... I... I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?" He finally looked Hisagi full in the eyes. "For killing him? Don't be. Whether I did it or someone else did, I didn't care as long as I saw the bastard dead. But then when it happened, it wasn't him. It was this... thing. I couldn't look at it. People were dead all around me, around this thing. What was it all for?"

Hisagi stared back, unable to break the gaze, and unwilling. "I... I don't know. I don't know, Mugurama-Taichou. Sometimes I don't even know if Tousen really lived, it's like-"

"Taichou?"

Hisagi blinked, cut off mid-sentence. "What?"

"You said 'Mugurama-Taichou'. Why did you call me Taichou?"

It suddenly felt very warm, even outside in the sharp, freezing air. He struggled to find an answer. "I... I always thought of you as Mugurama-Taichou. Ever since the day I met you." He left out the part about how he had been a rock for himself as a child since that, an idol when he joined the Academy, and more when he became a Shinigami. He didn't tell him that before Tousen had taught him anything, he had already ideals of the honourable Shinigami in his mind – he already wanted to become like Mugurama-Taichou... To make him proud to have saved him.

His answer felt terribly inadequate, but Mugurama-Taichou didn't speak and didn't look away. His eyes still held a hint of question, as his gaze moved to the tattoo on the side of Hisagi's face, to the scars on the other side over his blind eye, then back again. Determined not to look away, Hisagi was struggling. He felt like the other man was searching him, seeing things deep in him only by looking at his eyes.

"One of my goals, kinda along with revenge, was to wipe the influence of those treacherous bastards from Gotei 13. I loved being a Shinigami, a Taichou, and I hated seeing them put a stain on what that meant. I wanted to end them and all the wrong things they brought about in people." His eyes grew softer on Hisagi's. "But they still got through."

He turned away at last, glancing back towards the house. "I remember that day well," He began, the odd spell seeming to have passed. "You were just a kid, but I could tell looking at you, that you were gonna do something big. That's why I said what I did. I even remembered you a lot after we left. I used to think 'I wonder how that kid's doing', or 'what's he up to now'. Fukutaichou of my own division... I wouldn't have guessed. That day I saw you then, across the battlefield, it seemed just about right though. Who else would it be?" He pulled a face. "But they'd gotten to you. They'd done exactly what I wanted to stop. I can see it in your eyes, they got to you."

Hisagi suddenly felt relaxed. What he was saying suddenly made sense, and they were here, speaking, about the very things Hisagi needed to speak to someone about, to his utter astonishment. He realised there must have been things Mugurama-Taichou needed to speak to someone about, too.

"Yeah, they did." He conceded. "Tousen's defection... It got to me. It's good to admit. But I got on with it, because I am the fukutaichou of the Ninth Division. I didn't end up in the squad by accident. Getting there meant so much to me. When I got there, though, it was so different. Tousen was my Taichou, not you, although you kinda had been for much longer. Nobody spoke about Mugurama-Taichou. So I got this tattoo." He pointed. "Because of that, even though they got to me, I got on with it. I did like you told me. I thought 'I'm alive, stand up. Smile.'. It's silly, but...."

"It's not silly."

Hisagi looked sideways to see Mugurama-Taichou looking at him oddly, from the corner of his eyes, through heavy eyelids.

"What?"

"I said it's not silly."

"I kinda thought it was..."

"Well, it isn't. Shuuhei," He turned to face Hisagi fully yet again, and the younger Shinigami was frozen by the simple gesture of hearing his name spoken by the man before him, in such a tone. Serious, yet secretive. Privately. "It isn't silly. It's...." He sighed in frustration. "I can't explain. It makes me happy that in some way I stopped those traitors, just a little bit, but that's not it... I'm glad you remembered me like you did."

He said the last sentence so quietly Hisagi wasn't even sure he'd actually spoken it, but when the awkward silence grew heavy in the winter air, he was sure of it.

"Of course I did. You made me want to be a Shinigami."

Mugurama-Taichou's eyes widened slightly, and he suddenly blurted out. "How do you think of me, Shuuhei?"

Hisagi blinked. "What do you mean?"

"I mean what I said. How do you think of me?"

Hisagi looked down, feeling suddenly red. "I'm not sure how to answer-" He gasped as his chin was suddenly caught in a grasp and pulled back up, forcing him to look at the man before him again. Even if he wanted to finish his sentence, the feel of that hand on his face knocked all words out of him. "Mugurama-Tai-"

"My name's Kensei. I call you Shuuhei, so you should call me Kensei."

"Kensei..." He corrected himself stupidly, not really remembering where the rest of his sentence was going.

Kensei smiled a toothy grin. "That's better. Now answer the question."

Hisagi stared forwards into the eyes of the shinigami right in front of him, with no real choice of anywhere else to look. The hand was still at his chin, he could smell the deep leather scent it was so close. He felt a blush rising to his face, much to his mortification, and he opened his mouth as if to speak, before closing it again.

Kensei's grin lessened to a smile, and his eyes went suddenly soft. "I see." He loosened his grip on Hisagi's chin, but his hand still remained in place. "You now, when I came out here for a stroll, I didn't see us having this conversation at all. It all just kinda spilled outta me." One finger moved up a few centimetres to stroke Hisagi's jawline suprisingly gently, and he resisted the urge to close his eyes and lean into the touch. When Kensei took a step forward, closing the distance between them and standing so close their chests were touching, however, the sensation became too much and he finally did close his eyes against it.

"Look at me."

He opened them again to find the silver haired man's face dangerously close, that same soft shine to his eyes, but a hard expression on his features. He could feel Kensei's breath against his lips, and he gave in at last and closed the last of the gap, catching the other's lips gently in a soft kiss.

Neither of them moved for a second, then Kensei took action, pressing into the touch. He moved his mouth against Hisagi's, and his hand travelled up the side of his scarred face, the second coming up and around to cup the back of the dark shinigami's neck.

Hisagi felt Kensei's tongue against his mouth, and immediately melted into the touch with a groan, arms wrapping themselves around the older man's waist and gripping his back, closing his eyes, lost to every part of the world but his Taichou.

Renji assumed Hisagi had gotten tired of the party and left at some point in the proceedings. Nobody noticed Kensei gone but Mashiro, and she was too drunk to care. They spent the rest of the night walking, and walking, and talking. When it got too late for walking, they simply retired to Kensei's place and slept soundly wrapped in each others' touch.

Hisagi woke up lips brushing his tattooed cheek, and a whispered "Happy Christmas..."

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I do saw, review xD


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